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Last Update: 08.07.03

Spider-Man

Spider-Man is a movie about a super hero. To give us the inside scoop on super heroes, we've called in Mr. Fantastic and Stretch Armstrong to review this movie. Let's see what they had to say.

Mr. Fantastic: I'm Stretch Armstrong.

Stretch Armstrong: What kind of a name is that? It sounds like it was made up at 3 AM at the bad pun factory on the week that they ran out of coffee. Who comes up with this stuff? That's a name that I would be ashamed to give to my dog. What are they going to have next, a giant green-skinned killer that they name "Biggs" or "Large person" or something else like that?

Mr. Fantastic: Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't give yourself an aneurysm, man...I don't know what a complication like that would do to people like us. Anyway, we need to do the opening. Let's try this again. I'm Stretch Armstrong...

Stretch Armstrong: ...and I'm Mr. Fantastic, and we're here to...hey wait!

Mr. Fantastic: Let me just say, that I saw this movie the first day it was in theaters. In case you were wondering, that does make me ten times cooler than you.

Stretch Armstrong: Well, I was actually simultaneously in three different theaters showing this on opening day and although this makes me not as cool as you, I am 10 times longer than you. At least, right now. I'm still trying to reel parts of me back in.

Mr. Fantastic: Anyway, the movie was so awesome, I forgot where I parked my car afterwards.

Stretch Armstrong: Yeah, he had to follow my elongated body all the way back home...and by the time he got there, the DVD was out, and we bought it and watched it AGAIN!

Mr. Fantastic: Talk about good timing! Believe me, the only thing cooler than watching Spider-Man is watching it again as soon as you get home a few months later.

Stretch Armstrong: Re-watching it though, we did figure out the worst part: the soundtrack.

Mr. Fantastic: Yeah, only a hero can save that guy's career. He'll grab onto the wings of an eagle, and if there's any justice in life it'll drop him.

Stretch Armstrong: Speaking of heroes, why don't we have our own movies?

Mr. Fantastic: Are you even a hero? I mean come on. All you can do is stretch...you're just elastic incarnate...what kind of super powers are those? If somebody kidnaps a hot chick, what are you going to do? Stretch them to death? If those were my powers, I'd just set myself on fire.*

The Human Torch: Hey!

Mr. Fantastic: That's basically why you don't have a movie, your powers suck. All you have going for you is that name.

Stretch Armstrong: Umm...

Mr. Fantastic: Let's get back to Spider-Man.

Stretch Armstrong: Great idea. Spider-Man gets bitten by a super-spider, and instead of getting super-poisoned and super-dying, he gets super powers. Some guys have all the luck. You'd probably expect that getting the powers of a spider would mean that he would grow 4 extra limbs and then sit against the wall for a few days before somebody beats him to death with a shoe. Not so. These super powers include the ability for chicks that are in distress that you want and are hot to be eternally grateful when you rescue them.

Mr. Fantastic: Last time I saved a chick she was my mom.

Stretch Armstrong: Really?

Mr. Fantastic: Yeah, but instead of being grateful and giving me my allowance early, she grounded me!

Stretch Armstrong: Like I said, some guys have all the luck. In this movie, not only does Spider-Man get a name that isn't shameful (courtesy of The Amazing Bruce Campbell [formerly known as The Human Bruce before Sam Raimi rescued him]), he gets his allowance on time EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Mr. Fantastic: Like all good super-heroes, he saves up his allowance to buy a spandex body-suit and a mask. Luckily, nobody can recognize his voice, because they just sit there and wonder why spiders can talk.

Stretch Armstrong: Speaking of talking spiders, can we hurry things up? I have to be at court in about an hour.

Mr. Fantastic: For what?

Stretch Armstrong: Apparently kids strangle themselves with my action figures.

Mr. Fantastic: We haven't even really said much about the movie yet!

Stretch Armstrong: Tell that to the judge.

Mr. Fantastic: Can't argue with that...Fantastic 4 out of 4.

*In case you didn't know, Mr. Fantastic's power is that he can stretch. This is something we call "irony."