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Last Update: 11.11.03

Star Wars - Episode IV: A New Hope

When I first heard the name "Star Wars", I thought it would be a bunch of dwarf stars battling it out to see which one of them gets to go supernova first. I was like, "Man, this movie would be a lot cooler if they had laser swords, and people that wear capes, and a really big gun that can blow up a whole planet." Needless to say, I was pretty disappointed.

I mean, it actually has all of those things, but you could do a whole lot better things with a movie that has swords and capes—I mean, seeing an old guy in a bath robe stand in one place while somebody wrapped in plastic and breathing really hard swings things at him didn't make me think "fight scene," it made me think "retirement home." And then when the old guy was like "Strike me down and I will become more powerful than you can imagine" I was expecting some fat woman in white linens with a name plate that says "Mrs. Johnson" to come give him his pills and tell him it's time for him to go to bed "to become more powerful than he could imagine."

Anyway, the name of this movie is "A New Hope." Nobody really knows why it's called A New Hope. My only guess is that they're hoping that they don't get cut apart with laser swords. I don't really know why. I mean, of all the things you could get cut apart with, I think a laser sword would be the best one. It'd probably be a lot quicker and cleaner than being gnawed in half by a vicious space-alligator, and since they live in a galaxy where space-alligators probably exist, I'd definitely be hoping for the laser swords. I guess long, long ago they hadn't invented logic yet.

Indiana Jones plays the part of Han Solo in this movie. It must have been really hard for him to switch from Indiana Jones to a guy with a spaceship and an extremely hairy sidekick. That reminds me, I need to clean my swimming pool. Anyway, the hairy guy is always making these weird noises. Indiana claims to understand what he's saying, but I think he might be faking it. One time the hairy guy said "MWOOOOWR" to me and I was like, "What, you want a knuckle sandwich?" I didn't know that he was such a pansy. He started crying and ran off to Indiana, crying and moaning and pointing at me while he tugged at Indie's sleeve. It was kind of pitiful in a "Oh crap Indiana Jones will probably beat me senseless for this" kind of way. One cool thing about the hairy guy though, is the crossbow he uses. The lasers it shoots are primitive, yet still functional...like Steven Hawking.

Anyway, the movie was pretty good, but nothing fantastic...I'd advise you wait for it to come out on video. I give it 4 out of 4 mysterious powers that hold the universe together.