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Last Update: 08.26.03

The Matrix

If you haven't seen this movie, then you, like the main character, are probably wondering, "What is The Matrix?" Since the main character doesn't know, you probably don't deserve to, so we aren't going to tell you. But it is pretty sweet. And by "pretty" I mean "cactus."

Traditionally, a matrix is just a table of values (a 2-dimensional array for those of you that are computer-minded and yet also so one-sided as to not know the meaning of a TABLE). This matrix is a lot like those matrixes (some people prefer the term "matrices" but it doesn't have an X in it. Then again, the movie XXX had 3 of them, and look how it turned out), only the values in the table are green, and they flow by really fast. Also, this is a really big table of values. So big, in fact, that it can hold robots inside of it.

Robots are the greatest idea ever. They have powers that range from big rockets to lasers to big rockets that shoot lasers. If I were a robot, I would be awesome because I would sound like a drill when I walked, and I would have a tuff monotone voice like that one person that you know that everybody makes fun of behind his back. Everybody knows one. It's like Ben Stein gone techno or something. The cool thing about being a robot, though, would be that nobody could make fun of my monotone voice because if they did I would shoot them with a laser shaped like a rocket that shoots lasers. Oh man, that reminds me! I had a friend that was a robot once. He'd always chase birds, moles, and stuff. Oh, not robot, I meant cat.

Anyway, as we all know, getting shot can severely hamper your ability to be a hero. I got shot once, and let me tell you, I wasn't saving ANY chicks for like, at least a week. All movie heroes need a way around this problem (known to theorists as the "bullet problem"). In The Matrix, instead of simply going with the "one at a time theory" or the "let's have a badguy shoot at him once and miss and then he sees where the badguy is at and he shoots him and then we do that again about thirty times" theory, they go with the ultimate in bullet-problem-solving tuffness: HEROES THAT CAN DODGE BULLETS. As far as I'm concerned, the only option that would have even compared to that would be to pick up a table to block the bullets with, but the table ends up being the table of numbers that you're all inside, and when the badguy shoots it, he actually ends up shooting the place where he's at in the table and suddenly he explodes in a giant explosion of exploding stuff (like spiders, or granola).

Anyway, this movie gets a whole lot of binary bullshit that adds up to 4 out of 4. Man, it would be awesome if they made a sequel...

Note: You aren't actually reading this review. It's being wired directly into your brain. This is simply just a way for the robots to distract us and use us as batteries for their lasers...and that's fine by me.