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Last Update: 08.17.03

The Princess Bride

Right now, you are probably thinking, "What the heck kind of hand-holding, sweater-wearing with a button-up shirt underneath with the collar sticking out tucked into khaki pants with a crease going down each leg, fruitcake movie is The Princess Bride?" Well, this movie happens to be more awesome than you or your best friend. First off, the movie has some people in it. You may recognize such Hollywood greats as Andre the Giant, Kid From The Wonder Years, Columbo, or even Billy Crystal. Don't worry, Billy Crystal is only in there for one scene. I was really surprised to see Kid From The Wonder Years in this movie, he was totally broadening his acting ability. This kid is no longer playing the part of Kid From The Wonder Years, he is now playing an entirely different kid, Kid From The Princess Bride.

Anyway, did I mention that Andre the Giant is in this movie? He is definitely one of the greatest actors ever. I mean, he took on the challenging role of a giant, which only a handful of people could play convincingly...I'd like to see Joe Pesci try that. That would have been one of the worst mistakes in movie history. Well, except for that one really boring movie about the history of this one guy. I think it's called Citizen Kane or something, but I fell asleep before they even showed the title for it.

Anyway, for the most part this is a love story, and when I say love story, I mean there's lots of fighting and killing stuff. But it's all done in the name of love, so you can watch this with your girlfriend and she'll be like "that's the sweetest thing ever" every time you see a guy get his head chopped off and devoured by eels that have chainsaws attached to their head. And while I'm at it...though I hate to ruin this, you just have to know: this guy gets killed in a sword fight, and your mom will tell you how awesome that is, but still make you leave the room because she doesn't think that you're old enough to see that, but the truth is that she's sending you away so she can watch it herself over and over.

Anyway, the movie is about this guy named Westley and this chick named Buttercup. Sorry, she doesn't get naked, but they somehow manage to move the plot on without a naked scene. Westley had to go do something and then the Prince tries to marry Buttercup. Naturally, Westley doesn't care...I mean, he tries to save her. Before he can do that, Bald Guy, Other Guy, and Andre (better known as The Three Guys) kidnap her. If you saw these guys in an elevator, it wouldn't be playing that crappy elevator music, it would automatically switch to some Alice Cooper. Then you would know you were in trouble, and Andre would probably knock you out and you'd wake up tied to a chair. Unfortunately, Buttercup didn't have Alice Cooper to save her, so she didn't suspect anything.

Anyway, Westley has to save her from The Three Guys, and believe me when I say that this was one of the most suspenseful parts of the entire movie. The suspense is so thick you'll have to eat a coconut to calm your nerves, or if you're a big idiot you'll probably smoke and get cancer. Anyway, Westley's first task is to duel Other Guy on top of the Cliffs of Insanity. Luckily, he brought his own sword, or they would have had to share. Duels never go well when you have to give the other guy the sword after every lunge. But hey, fair is fair, and these guys are honorable, which means that they try to kill each other, but don't try so hard that it makes them look bad.

Anyway, without those swords someone was going off the edge. It would have been insane...and it's called the Cliffs of Insanity...I think they would have achieved maximum insanity with that. If that would have happened, I probably wouldn't have rewound it and watched the guy get thrown off the cliff again, but you probably would, and you'd never watch anything else, ever. So to spare you from that, they decided to just have Westley win. He hits Other Guy in the head with something blunt, which as we all know makes people immediately fall asleep and not wake up until they are important to the plot of the movie later. This reduces Three Guys to Two Guys Plus One Guy That's Asleep That May Or May Not Wake Back Up Later.

Next, Westley has to fight Andre. It's killer. Finally, though, Westley has to kill Bald Guy, but because Westley is a Jedi, he mind tricks him and he wins, and Bald Guy is like "Before I die, I should tell you something. I am your fa-" and then he dies and Westley kicks him in the head a few times for fun. Now I think that would've been a great place for Buttercup to get naked, but instead she pushes Westley down a big hill. If you start playing the Black Sabbath song Children of the Grave right before she pushes him, it's awesome. It's kind of like watching The Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album, only you don't have to watch The Wizard of Oz. If I had a choice between watching this movie and eating those nasty circus peanut crappy candy things that look like a cross between foam rubber and Congo monkey balls, I would definitely watch this movie. I give it 4 out of 4 princesses that don't get naked.