trainsaw.com

Last Update: 02.14.05

If you've been shot by Cupid's arrow, seek immediate medical attention.

Valentine's day has got to be the most depressing holiday other than National Dead Puppy Day. All across the nation, people are being reminded how little others actually care about them, which is unfortunate. It's usually better to go on living in denial.

One of the things that annoys me about Valentine's day is the fact that it has been so commercialized by the flower and candy companies. I think I realized we had gone a bit too far when I saw an advertisement saying "Buy your true love a dozen roses or she'll probably chop you up with an axe!" From the sudden skyrocket in axe sales, I'm guessing that a lot of fascists (read: women) took the suggestion seriously. It looks like if a lot of men don't wise up and treat their ladies right (and by this I mean spend lots of money on them for absolutely no reason), their true love might be walking out on them, and taking his right arm with them. Smoothness definitely plummets without all of your arms.

The real victims of this holiday, though, are the children. Wait, no, the real victims are the men. But the children have it pretty bad, too. They have to make Valentine receptacles out of shoe boxes, and then go through the painfully generic stack of processed crap they've been given. Nothing says "heartfelt" like a 2x3 piece of card stock that says "You're RAD!" on it, is covered in stupid cartoon characters, and may or may not have an address or signature on it.

Then there's the food. Valentine's day has worse food than National Scottish Heritage Day (which falls on the same date as Dead Puppy Day, a situation mutually beneficial to both holidays). There are the "seasonal" M&M's and other candy...oh look, they're pink, red, and white and taste the exact same. Just what I wanted: candy for sissies. Worse still are those candy hearts. You know the ones I'm talking about—the candy that clearly isn't candy, but in fact chalk. They always have kind sayings on them, though, like "I love you! Have some chalk!" I use them to draw skulls and corpses on the sidewalk. The green ones are good for making zombies.

Anyway, overall I give Valentine's day 4 out of 4 overdone, sickeningly sweet tokens of mild to moderate affection for which the fascist battery made up by women's magazines have disseminated propaganda to fool the world's gullible lesser humans ungraced with Y chromosomes into thinking are "sweet."

Roast in hell, Cupid.