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Last Update: 11.04.03

The Legend of Zelda: The Time Waster

Some people I know have been playing Gamecube lately, and I've been drawn to one inevitable conclusion: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker is the worst game ever created. Yes, even worse than the Barbie game for NES. You see, nobody bought the Barbie game. TLoZ:TWW (hereby abbreviated as WGE, worst game ever) managed to trick lots of sensible gamers by having the phrase "The Legend of Zelda" in the title. This confused lots of mindless zombies who don't bother to take a good look at the game first. I'm talking about the kind of people that would buy games with any of the following titles:

-The Legend of Zelda: We hired a bunch of 4 year olds to draw this game
-Final Fantasy: A huge waste of your time
-Diablo Roman Numeral: Left Click
-Blank Screen IV: Made by Squaresoft
-Counterstrike: Mindless repetition

This is because some titles have managed to earn legions of brainless fanboys with such legendary titles as Final Fantasy VI, catchy and revolutionary tactics like swords that shoot lasers, or mindless repitition (but with guns). So basically, the evil robots that rule Nintendo took their fanboys for all they're worth, which is at least $40 each.

The first step they took in making this the worst game ever was making Link (whose name, might I add, is the coolest thing ever. I think I'm going to name my kids that...all of them) be about 10 years old, and about 20 years stupid. Relax evil corporate robot men, nobody cares about plot continuity. Just because you've already told and re-told Link's adult life 4 times doesn't mean you can't cram more games into old-Link's (the Link that can shoot lasers, mind you) life. The people that point out the plot conflicts are on par with the people that point out that Captain Picard on Star Trek is bald, despite the fact that in episode 54 he denied being Professor X, and then put on a wig in episode 62, and then was replaced by Bald Bull from Punch-out. These people will be slightly upset by this seeming contradiction, but what you have to realize is that they have a life-sized statue of Link in their room, so you're probably not losing any revenue off of them. Everybody else, on the other hand, is the kind of person that says "Holy crap! Bald Bull? Awesome!"

The second thing they did to deserve having their livers pecked out by vultures while they're still conscious was to force you to spend most of your time riding in a boat. Now I know what you're thinking: Link is awesome, so his boat is obviously going to be pretty sweet. It's going to have some awesome hubcaps, huge tail fins, probably a few decks full of rowing prisoners, and a rocket booster. Well, I'll tell you this much: your boat is called the King of Red Lions. Draw your own conclusions. Here's one I drew:

Crappier still is the fact that instead of just rowing around with a ton of emaciated slaves, you just conduct the wind yourself. And since you can't set the wind to "ramming speed" you have to wait forever just for the boat to get to the next island. Meanwhile, Setzer and the gang fly around the world 73 times in the Falcon, and to much better music might I add.

To piss you off even more while you float aimlessly on the ocean, the boat tries to give you advice. If you could input your own dialogue into the game, I would definitely advise the boat to use the ocarina to go back in time to when God flooded the earth. He could float up to the ark and Link could get on, and he could fight two of every kind of beast and bird, and that would make for a pretty lengthy and exciting game. Yeah, and then the boss could be Noah, and since the Noah of the Bible isn't really intimidating enough, he'd be spruced up with something called "The Staff of Omicron" or something awesome like that.

Now I know what you're thinking: you're thinking "maybe game play is a little lacking, and the plot is kind of silly because link isn't very old...but at least the graphics will be pretty sweet because it's a gamecube game." Sorry, but I've seen flash games more impressive than this pile of rhino entrails.

Since some of you seem to think that making a video game would be difficult (mostly to do all the graphics for it, but they obviously didn't try too hard there), I thought that I should suggest an alternative. First of all, I'd change the title to "The Legend of Zelda: Link is Not a Stupid Ten-Year-Old." This is key, for many reasons. First of all, having a hero that has already hit puberty has multiple advantages, not the least of which is the fact that when he shouts every time he swings his sword, his voice is at least a little lower. Plus, if you find yourself attracted to the protagonist of the game, then you just have to question your sexuality instead of also wondering whether or not you're a pedophile. I mean, just in case you had that problem, having an older hero just clears that up. Plus, you don't have to have the hero's mom always making him be home for dinner, and do his homework, and reminding him not to stay up too late killing goblins.

Anyway, the new and improved plot, naturally, would involve shooting arrows and lasers at Ganon, whose name would be Ganon and not something stupid like the same thing with a dumb suffix. The hookshot would, of course, be the focus of the entire game, and would make the coolest sound-effect. You could swing off the top of some huge cliff, and it would play the Indiana Jones song, and then you suddenly realize how much better this game is than floating around in a boat.

Anyway, I'm going to proceed to give the game a total score in an entirely typical fashion:

Graphics: 10. That's how old the artists look like they were.

Entertainment: On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is as entertaining as a ton of Bob Saget one-liners from America's Funniest Home Videos and a 10 is as entertaining as seeing a bunch of blind people fall down a flight of stairs, this game gets a -13 because nothing happens. You just sit in the boat. If the boat told you Bob Saget one-liners while you were moving around, then it might boost this up to a -0.

Sound: 0. I just drown it out with something awesome, so it probably isn't worth listening to.

Replayability: I don't even want to finish it. It makes me want to go use the Ocarina of Time to get back all the time I wasted playing this game.

Ranking in at an impressive -3, this game is definitely the worst one I have ever reviewed. This sets a high standard for future games I might feel the need to publicly shame.