trainsaw.com

Last Update: 05.21.07

The government's "Click it or Ticket" seatbelt campaign has seen few changes in drivers' habits, so the government has decided to run a new campaign, "Click it or get thrown through the windshield and crushed by oncoming traffic."

I practice defensive driving, but I also believe that the best defense is a good offense.

Studies indicate that Nascar is the fastest growing sport in America, due mostly to unprotected sex.

The other day, an astronaut set the record for most time spent walking in space. After the new record was announced, he released a press statement saying "suck it" to the two other people who have ever walked in space.

Home is where the heart is, which means that for a majority of Americans, home is inside of an overweight slob.

They say that "Every time God closes a door, he opens a window." Which is true. Because Jesus pays the utility bill, so God doesn't give a crap.

I got some spam the other day with subject "Gamble from home!" Wow, what a great idea. That's not soulless at all. Way to cater straight to people's worst addictions. That's like sending someone an e-mail saying "Don't just drink socially! Drink in a dark room by yourself, with GigaWhiskey!! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO!"

The North Pole, in an effort to improve its image in Latin America, has started a new advertising campaign spearheaded by their new cultural icon, Santana Claus.

Recently I drove past this totally trashed section of highway, and then saw an adopt-a-highway sign saying that Planned Parenthood was in charge of it. I guess that makes sense, though, because adoption usually isn't their first choice.

Once, you have one STD, you may as well just give up on life and pull a Pokemon: "Gotta catch 'em all!"

"Organized sports." "Organized crime." More than half of these two terms are completely identical. Coincidence?

I think sometime, it would be fun to follow around the paparazzi and take pictures of them. You know, catch them at home, and be like "DUDE! You're the PAPARAZZI! I freaking LOVE you guys!"

I don't really like modern country music. I prefer the old school country...you know, the kind about killing Indians.

Continuing their long history of catering to idiots, Apple has released a new MP3 player that can hold up to 10,000 emo songs. It's being marketed as the "cryPod".

The other day on the way to class, I saw this guy wearing one of those hats with a fishhook on the bill. Then on the way back from class, I ran into him again, only this time he had this big fish on his head.

The creators of Team America should start writing jingles. You know, maybe something like "Bank of America, fuck yeah! Check your balance online 24 hours a-fuckin' day, yeah!"

Why do packages of socks have ziploc openings on them? Does somebody need to take one pair out, but leave the rest there, sealed for freshness?

I think "executive" is just another word for "sissy", but I still hope my boss doesn't read this.

The other day I got kicked out of the store because I was checking out this girl in the self-checkout lane.

I looked at my notebook the other day, and on the front it said "College Ruled." And I thought "Yeah, it did..."

Remember: no matter how bad things may seem, there's always one thing that can fix all of your problems: getting a mohawk.

I hear it was like -50 degrees in Minnesota last week. I wonder if some football team won their championships and tried to pour the gatorade cooler on their coach, but instead a giant frozen cylinder of gatorade slipped out of it and crushed him alive.

I think I'm going to put an "honorable mention" section in my will.

If I could breathe fire, I would.

At lunch the other day, I saw this fat dude with a tray full of cookies getting a glass of skim milk. I almost wanted to go up to him and say something, but decided not to.

I don't think that toilets should be in the same room as showers. That way, you aren't trying to get clean in the same place that you take a crap.

The other day I was in the Wal-Mart video section, and I saw The Neverending Story 14 and thought, "Wow, they really meant it."

The other day this stupid old woman ran me off the road. As she passed, I noticed that she had a John Kerry bumper sticker. It figures. Democrats are always way off to the left.

I'm going to start running with scissors just so I can stick it to the man...literally.

People with narcolepsy can fall asleep at just about any

Somebody needs to do a death metal cover of that "I'm my own grandpa" song.

When somebody says that violent video games make people violent, I just want to strangle them.

Fishing is as good of a pastime as sitting around waiting to die.

I bet that terrorists or conspirators or maybe even secret government employees—anybody that has confidential or incriminating information on their computer screen—keep a pair of scissors by their computer at all times. That way, if somebody comes in and tries to read the screen, they can just cut the cable to the monitor.

Isn't it kind of ironic how when somebody says "keepin' it real" they actually mean "being really fake"?

I guarantee that someday someone will get in an argument about how it's not "pop culture" it's "soda culture."

It's kind of surprising that Dracula doesn't have AIDS. Or maybe he does, and the immuno-deficiency is why he's allergic to light.

I bet you could make a really corny joke by combining the clichés of "costs an arm and a leg" and "you must think I'm made of money."

Next person that uses the word "haxored" gets axored.

People that put huge sub-woofers in their car are probably just "compensating" for something. Like, you know...a melody.

I hate people who play Fenders. Fenders are for horrible guitarists...and cars...

What's the point of the @ symbol? It's short for "at." Was somebody suddenly like "crap this word is too long, how could we shorten it?" Okay, from now on, an o with a circle around it is short for "of."

They should pass a law that all newspaper headlines should be followed by "and no one cares."

I've always wanted to go up to a set of twins and ask them, "Hey, are you twins?"

If you don't have anything better to do than talk about drinking, then I probably don't have anything better to do than hit you with a battering ram.

Isn't it funny how all of the people that were wearing "No Fear" shirts a few years ago stopped wearing them because they were afraid those shirts weren't cool any more?

Every time I see a trash can that says "thank you" on it, I want to write "you're welcome" on everything that I throw away.

The only thing babies are good for is peeing on people I don't like.

I think it's silly that some states try to outlaw sodomy. What are you going to do when you find some sodomites? Put them in prison? Oh yeah, like that's going to teach them to stop having anal sex.

If you ever bump into a blind person just say, "Sorry, I didn't see you."

Not getting enough drunken sex on your own? Pledge Alpha Kappa Herpes!

Do you ever feel racist doing laundry? You put all the whites together, and keep all the "colors" together. Make sure you don't have any colors in with the whites, or you could taint the whole load. Whoever invented laundry was a dirty racist.

If I was given the choice to be ugly or to die, I would definitely choose death. But you obviously wouldn't.

Smoking is just like playing a really long game of Russian Roulette.

Tanning beds are just another way for white people to act black.

Free Tibet (with any purchase of $10 or more)

Top 40 Radio is for the top 40 stupidest people alive.

Whenever you see WWJD, do you ever think about letting yourself die for all the assholes in the world?

I bet Santa really exists. But everybody buys their kids presents because kids are spoiled brats that weren't going to get anything from Santa anyway, and their parents don't want to make them feel bad.

Microsoft promotes selfishness. "My computer." "My pictures." "My documents." Mine mine mine mine me me me me me...

Wouldn't it suck if somebody lined up a bunch of Barbies and invited you to their Barbie queue and you thought they said barbecue and then were forced to strangle them?

I hope there aren't any bi-polar bears. You know, one minute they're playing with the penguins, and the next minute they kill your mom.

People who drive by cancer centers while smoking don't realize how ironic it is.

ATMs are the greatest machine ever. Who came up with naming them after the A-Team anyway?