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Last Update: 11.22.07

The top 10 movies that Arnold Schwarzenegger should have starred in

There is a common thread running through many of the greatest films of all time. "Predator," "Twins," and "Batman and Robin" are all fantastic, edge of your seat, action-packed, popcorn flicks starring the great, glistening Arnold Schwarzenegger. Let's be realistic, the majority of motion pictures are even less desirable than my mom's overcooked meatloaf. The succulent Schwarzenegger is our secret ingredient for covering the shitty taste left from any movie. In order to show you just how effective our secret ingredient is, we've picked ten random movies to test it on.

10. Brokeback Mountain. This sci-fi adventure picture about gay aliens trying to take over Planet Earth stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as the dorky Jewish scientist who realizes Earth is in trouble. Initially everyone considers Schwarzenegger to be a nut, until the entire state of Wyoming gets infected by a huge, gay, rainbow-colored UFO beam. Once the gay epidemic starts to spread, the armed forces decide to take matters into their own hands. Before too long however, they also become infected. While our fiercest generals are attending fashion shows and arguing over wall paper, Arnold must single-handedly fend off the "fabulous" aliens. Armed with only his massive biceps, Ninja Stars of David, and talking book of spells called "Torah," Arnold must save humanity from becoming what he calls “girly men.”

9. Back to the Future. Time warps are freaking awesome. That's why putting Arnold Schwarzenegger into Back to the Future makes perfect sense. You’ve already got time warps, which are awesome, and adding Schwarzenegger to the fold takes the awesomeness beyond flux-capacity. Arnold gets thrown into the fray when Marty McJ Fox's shakiness causes him to wreck the DeLorean. Arnold’s concern for the injured Marty McJ is set aside when Doc says, "Fuck him. Would you rather help him or kill dinosaurs?" Doc then quickly explains to Schwarzenegger how he discovered that if the dinosaurs would have been killed off in prehistoric times, Tom Cruise, Rosie O’Donnell, and Jehovah's Witnesses would have never evolved from them. The rest of the movie follows Arnold as he kills dinosaurs with mouth hammers*.

8. Home Alone. Macaulay Culkin's parents aren't taking any chances this year. Before they head out on the family Christmas trip and purposely leave him at home, they decide to hire the gold-plated, chrome-accented, Robo-Sitter 9000 (with special features including director commentary, deleted scenes, and bloopers...oh wait that's on the DVD). With years of rigorous theatrical training, Arnold Schwarzenegger is a perfect fit for the unique role of the Robo-Sitter 9000. In his contract, Schwarzenegger requires that extensive work be put into the makeup preparation of his character. As per his request, he endures 8 hours of gold spray painting every day in order to get the sheen that would overheat any female robot's motherboard. From there, it doesn’t really matter what the rest of the movie is like.

7. Dragonheart. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a fucking dragon, what more do you want?

6. 3 Ninjas. As Rocky, one of the 3 Ninjas, Schwarzenegger is faced with the challenge of dealing with typical teenage problems; staying up too late, acne, and being grounded for ripping out someone's throat. Arnold's vulnerable side is on display when his brothers use their scathingly satirical song "Rocky Loves Emily" to humiliate him. In true teenager fashion, Schwarzenegger retorts, “Shut up you guys!” and slams his door. Arnold is further ostracized from the group when he repeatedly fails to pronounce the words, "AYE YAH!" However, once his brothers are captured by a maniacal gang of pedophiles, Schwarzenegger must save the day by riding in on his flaming three-headed rhinoceros and showing them new meaning to the word “rape.”

5. What Women Want. In typical fashion, this action-packed dramedy starts with two close friends (played by Mel Gibson and Arnold Schwarzenegger) showering at the gym: "Wow…that was a grueling match of Chinese checkers, Mel. By the way, this morning I tripped on a banana peel and fell into a bathtub full of radioactive waste." “Holy shitballs, Arnold, me too! Now I can hear women's thoughts!" "Well I can hear women's thoughts too, and see through their clothes, and everywhere I go 'Rock You Like a Hurricane' starts playing over some unseen stereo system." On the walk home both men try using their powers to hear what women are thinking: "Oprah was so awesome today..." "Oprah is so great...” "I love Oprah..." "Oprah is a fat bitch…" Gibson and Schwarzenegger are then shocked as they walk by Ben Affleck and from his mind they hear, "I can't believe I cried during Oprah today." Because this film was written by Arnold himself the remainder of the movie focuses on him having inane small talk with women in order to stare at their naked bodies. The film culminates with a 30 minute small talk sequence between Schwarzenegger and Helen Hunt that involves jumping on a trampoline, washing a car, and dancing around a pole.

4. Honey I Shrunk the "Kids." This hard-hitting documentary about the unforeseen effects of steroid abuse follows Arnold and his wife as they deal with the problems associated with his shrunken genitals.

3. Basic Instinct. Arnold Schwarzenegger teams up with the sultry Sharon Stone in this hard-edged thriller. Sorry guys, this one is strictly for the ladies as Sharon Stone never gets naked. We do however, get an eyeful of Lil’ Arnie in an interrogation scene that should have never made it past the cutting room floor. If you make it past…wait a second…this doesn’t sound like an improvement from the original at all. Forget what we said before and just make this movie a constant loop of the original interrogation scene.

2. Dirty Dancing. With Arnold on board for this picture, a brief rewrite would be necessary to include previous Predator co-star Carl Weathers as a fellow dance aficionado. Schwarzenegger, as the obviously unskilled white dancer, tries to make it in the no-holds-barred world of competitive break dancing. After a series of disastrous break dancing attempts, Arnold seeks tutelage from the more Weather’s more experienced character. Sexual tensions rise between the two dance kings when Schwarzenegger endures Weathers’ extreme training regimen. A regimen that includes kickboxing under water, shooting sawed off shotguns, and snorting coke off of toilet seats. This emotional roller-coaster "climaxes" with Weathers delivering the classic line "Nobody puts baby in the corner," followed by he and Arnold pulling out shotguns and riddling the dance hall with buckshot.

1. Citizen Kane. Citizen Kane is often heralded as one of the greatest films of all time. The only problem is; no one cares about this drab story about a dead tycoon. Rosebud, instead of being the dying gasp of a sad old aristocrat, should be the rallying cry of a vengeful football star. This tale of raging emotion begins during the big game when the Green Bay Packers and their clutch defense decapitate the Minnesota Vikings’ star quarterback, Joseph Rosebud, with a vicious sack. Adding insult to injury/death, the Packers kick Rosebud's head for the game winning field goal. Rosebud's close friend, Charles Foster Kane watches— devastated—as his teammate's head makes a perfect spiral through the goal posts, into the arms of a horrified child. At that moment, Kane vows to avenge his friend’s gruesome demise, promising to leave no building un-exploded and no virgin virginized. Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as Charles Foster Kane in CITIZEN PAIN.

* Mouth Hammers: generally considered to be a super-power, mouth hammers are hammers of any type shot from the mouth with high velocity. No one knows where the hammers are stored before being fired, but some speculate that they “come out of nowhere.”