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Last Update: 11.11.03

Top 10 things I'd rather do than go to my English class

Do you have an English class? If so, you'd better be Portugese or something crazy like that because otherwise you're totally wasting your time. I don't know about you, but I speak English already, and I sure don't need anybody's help picking out terrible books or poems. Earlier in the year they made us read Whitman's "Song of Myself." Maybe I just have a problem appreciating art, but that thing made me wish that I didn't speak English anymore. There's just a sort of shame that comes from simply speaking the same language as somebody like that. I think my English teacher is just a sadist who figured that making us read things like that was a lot less traceable (although slower) than gutting us with a spatula and hanging us collectively from the ceiling with piano wire.

Anyway, in honor of this class, I've compiled the top 10 things I'd rather do than go to my English class. You might think that one of them would be "Spend so long writing a top 10 list that I 'forget' to go to class." If you thought that, though, then you would be wrong because this was Nathan's idea. I don't have an English class.

10. Have someone swing a fluorescent light bulb into the back of my head.

9. Have someone swing a chainsaw into the back of my head.

8. Have someone swing a 2x4 into the back of my head.

7. Have someone swing a mace into the back of my head.

6. Have someone swing a folding chair into the back of my head.

5. Have someone swing an alligator into the back of my head.

4. Have someone swing Tarzan on a vine into the back of my head.

3. Have someone swing a sock full of quarters into the back of my head.

2. Have someone swing an acoustic guitar into the back of my head.

1. Have someone swing an electric guitar into the back of my head.

Oh, and in that class they keep telling me I need more variety in my writing. What's with that?