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Last Update: 08.16.03

The top 10 ways for fat people to make me hate them less

Have you ever been just minding your own business and then, out of nowhere, a fat guy is there? Well, today that happened to me. I had just gotten done filling my car up with gas and BAM, fat guy. Some people say they like fat people because it makes them feel better about themselves. I, however, hate fat people because they're fat. If fat people were a little less fat, I might not have a problem with them.

Now, this particular fat guy I saw today wasn't any ordinary fat guy...wait, yeah he was. He was fat and lazy. Anyway, on the way home, I saw this fat guy, who, instead of riding his bike, was pushing it along the sidewalk. Now I'm not real clear on this, but wouldn't it be a little more exercise to get on the bike? I realize that pushing a bike is more effort than walking without a bike, but....oh, wait, I get it. He broke the bike and had to walk it home. Now it all makes sense, and I don't hate fat people so much any more. Wait, yeah I do. But to help fat people be less hated by me, I've compiled this list of ways to make me hate you less.

10. Stop being fat, or break your bike better next time. Either way I'll hate you less.

9. Get a job. I could tell from the way you push your bike that you don't have a job.

8. Go to college. This will help in getting a job, plus when you're in college people will hate you so much for being fat that you might lose some weight. If the hatred doesn't work, then all the beer probably will, because once you have enough to pass out, all of your frat buddies will kick you in the gut one time, and you'll wake up lighter.

7. Make fun of other fat people because fat people making fun of other fat people is hilarious.

6. Stop eating fried chicken. I hate seeing fat people eating fried chicken.

5. Become a stand up comedian. Funny fat people are the only ones that should be allowed to live.

4. Become black, gay, or Jewish. Then people will be mad at me if I keep on hating you for being a fat asshole.

3. Cure cancer, or better yet diabetes since that's a little more applicable.

2. Develop super powers, especially the power to fly. Man, flying fat people would be awesome.

1. Get stuck in a doorway. That'd be pretty funny, and I'd have to run up and jump kick you to get you un-stuck.