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Last Update: 07.21.08

The top 10 "guys" you want to avoid at the office

Every workplace has them. They come from the Seventh Circle of Cubicle Hell and corrupt your otherwise serene workplace. They're the people that you want to avoid like they were a mutated form of prostate cancer. We're going out of our way to help you avoid these nuisances so that you can carry about your business.

10. Guy who doesn't flush the urinal after he pees. Also be on the lookout for his brother: Guy who pees on the floor in front of the urinal. Apparently these two never had the same bathroom etiquette lessons that I did. Back in high school, my P.E. teacher would always yell at us and say, "Don't piss in the shitter and don't shit in the pisser!" After hearing those words, you just assume that peeing on the floor is a crime against humanity.

9. Guy who performs freestyle rap at random times throughout the day. Sure, the first few times it's fun to join in and lay down some sweet rhymes, but there's only so many words that rhyme with "bitches" and "hos". Not only that, but holding the boom box on your shoulder gets tiresome.

8. Guy who gives unwanted advice. Last time I actually took his advice, I woke up between Delta Burke and Steve Buscemi. What an asshole. The advice guy is the asshole, not Buscemi (he's a sweetie).

7. The "I'd hit it" guy. Anytime you're around him and any even remotely attractive female walks past, he must declare to the world that he'd, "Wear that shit out." Other crude remarks made by him include: "The things I'd do to her..." and "I wonder if she's going commando?" The worst part about him is that he's actually successful in completing his sole goal in life about 90% of the time.

6. Guy who constantly displays his overt knowledge of pop culture. You'll instantly recognize this guy from his abysmal impersonations of Austin Powers or Borat. Never one to avoid showing how great his taste is, you'll occasionally be lucky enough to hear his rendition of "Who Let the Dogs Out?" Complete with the barking. Before I met this guy, I never had the inclination to run over someone's face with a lawnmower.

4. Guy who complains about everything. You know the type: "Man, the boss sure is giving us a lot of work to do." "Man, I wish we didn't have to work late tonight." "Man, these hemorrhoids are really starting to annoy me."

3. Guy who always tries to start sword fights in the parking lot after work. Initially I thought this was the coolest guy ever. I mean, c'mon, my first thought was: HOLY SHIT A SAMURAI! However, after he sliced my tie off, I don't trust the guy. I've even started packing numchucks to work with me everyday, just in case.

2. Guy who always recycles lame jokes. I seriously think he just Googles "rly good jokes to tell @ work". It's even worse when he teams up with the impersonation guy. I consider it a good day when he only does one of Carlos Mencia's groan inducing jokes.

1. Guy whose wife keeps emailing you naked pics of herself because she thinks its his email and you haven't told either of them about it yet.