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Last Update: 12.06.07

The top 10 ways to save money this holiday season

Once again, Christmas time is drawing nearer. This time each year, people are scrounging around for loose change and running to the nearest shopping mall to buy their loved ones that special gift. Whether it be diamond jewelry, a Nintendo Wii, or one of those giant popcorn tins; everyone is saving money for that perfect present. Because I'm my own loved one, I'll be buying myself a new guitar amp. So here are some examples of how to save money this holiday season.

10. Instead of taking your vehicle to the car wash, use a squeegee at a gas station to clean your entire car. When your car freezes over because you washed it in the middle of winter, you have an excuse to car pool. It never hurts to ask, “Can I come too?”

9. Steal toilet paper from public restrooms. Make sure to get enough to last awhile, otherwise you may have to resort to…well…that’s another list entirely.

8. Don't rush into doing your laundry; just wear your roommate's clean clothes. If you must resort to washing your clothes, throw your laundry in with the dishes. Trust me— Cascade works wonders on those pesky skid marks.

7. For free food and juice, start attending every church service in your town. And if you become a member sometimes they give free baths.

6. Don't forget the tried and true "dumpster diving" method. Apparently it's so lucrative that the guys that come by my apartment never have to work.

5. Stop paying your taxes. This one may not work unless you have ties to the mob.

4. Become your own family doctor. In-house brain surgeries are much cheaper. Plus, family members usually tip.

3. When it comes time to pay for something, only put a portion of the total cost down. When the cashier tells you it isn't enough, stare at them blankly. If they ask again, simply reply, "No speaka englase."

2. Dig an underground tunnel running from your house straight to your neighbor’s refrigerator. Steal all of their Dewskis and Oreos and sneak them back to your place. Because your neighbor is most likely a moron, he'll keep refilling the fridge for you to rob. However, if you begin to suspect your plan is becoming compromised, dig more paths to make your tunnel into an underground labyrinth; complete with Minotaur, David Bowie, and Ann Coulter.

1. On second thought, just eat the filling out of all the Oreos and leave the cookies in the bag. Your neighbors will blame their kids and ground them. This isn't really saving you any money, but it's still hilarious.

By using these scientifically proven money saving tips, you'll save at least a million dollars. With all that cash, you can thank us by sending us huge crates full of Christmas Tree Cakes.