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Last Update: 01.29.07

The top 10 people who need to be smacked, and the respective people who should smack them

In the last decade or so, there has been an epidemic of people who don't get slapped often enough. This is mainly the fault of whiny parents who don't want to spank their children, much less slap them senseless when necessary. Not coincidentally, society has begun to crumble as a result of our sadly slapless society. I think it's time we brought back the slap, and to get the ball rolling, I've compiled the list of the top 10 people who need to be smacked, and the respective people who should smack them.

10. Britney Spears. Sure, it's easy to pick on her because nobody likes her and there's nothing good about her or her career. It'd be easy for us to compile a list completely full of dumb celebrities and think of funny slappers to pair with them, but that's not what this list is all about. That said, someone really needs to slap Britney so hard her plastic surgeon feels the pain. This is no easy task, of course, and so we nominate The Rock to deliver this slap, for reasons that should be obvious. He could probably slap the ho so hard her legs clamp shut.

9. A fat person. Sure, we at trainsaw may pick on fat people overmuch because they're weaker and less attractive than we are, but there's still compassion somewhere in our twisted black hearts for these poor sad people who will never be loved. That's why we've arranged the perfect slapper: Ronald McDonald. Getting smacked repeatedly by a fast-food icon should be enough to traumatize these people for life, hopefully to the point that they stop being fat. Ultimately, this slapping is for the greater good of mankind, and so that we won't have to look at so many fat people any more. Some of you might think that the Burger King King would make a better slapper, because he's just kind of weird and creepy like that. That's exactly the problem, though—if The King came up and slapped you in the face, you wouldn't stop eating fast food, you'd be like "What! The King slapped me! How sneaky! Oh, that's just like you, King!" Then they'd give him a hug and he'd tape a "kick me" sign to their back. Not nearly as effective.

8. Any person who ever posts a youtube video consisting of a person talking to a webcam about how they didn't like another youtube video. Refresher course for you youtubers: a video of kids pretending to be ninjas: hilarious. A video of actual ninjas doing back flips off of walls: awesome. A video of you saying "I dunno...I mean....uh....yeah. I just think uh...I've...seen better ninja videos. Bye." : uninspiring at best. The time it takes you to record and upload that video would be much better spent inhaling spray paint. Every time youtube says it's "down for construction" is actually because they're trying to get the horrible stench of your terrible videos out of their hard drives. Although anybody is welcome to slap these people, the officially licensed trainsaw slapper is the Star Wars kid. Getting slapped by a minor internet celebrity should be enough humiliation for these people. And by the way, anybody who posts a video saying "PWNED!" in response to this will not be slapped. He will be KILLED.

7. A stupid Democrat. You know, the kind who is a thinly veiled Communist who thinks that the end goal of the Republican party is to kill as many Americans as possible, and who makes unnecessarily many references to Canada. Slapper: Barack Obama. Nothing puts a stupid person in their place like being slapped by their own idol. I bet it would really sting, too. I'm sure that behind that winning smile there's a killing slap.

6. People who raise their hands in class to correct a minor and inconsequential mistake that a professor makes. 2 slaps for people who think there's a mistake when there isn't. Wasting everyone's time pointing out problems doesn't make you smart. The actually smart people are hiding in their basements using your face as a target on their firing range, because you are worthless and serve no purpose, like the electoral college. Slapper: Steven Hawking. I'm sure a robot-assisted smack from somebody who's actually smart will set you in your place. With luck, he'll slap you so hard that you'll need a robot to raise your hand for you next time you have a question, which might make you think twice about questioning your professor's calculus.

5. Every 2008 presidential hopeful. The world doesn't need more presidential hopefuls. I think that we've all learned that the world's a much better place without a president. Slapper: Abraham Lincoln. It'd be awesome: "Fervently do we pray that all you little snots learned your lesson: presidency is NOT COOL." They could show a video of that to young schoolchildren as propaganda, too, in hopes that it stops us from ever having more politicians.

4. Oprah and Martha Stewart. I couldn't decide which one needs slapping more, so I vote for an all-out "powerful woman" catfight. My money's on Martha. I mean, Oprah's put on some weight (and lost it, and put it on again) and gotten kind of sedentary from running her book club, but Martha knows how to work with her hands. I'm pretty sure she'll make a nice festive Valentine's day basket from Oprah's entrails. After everything's over and they've both been killed for fun, we'll all have a laugh and remind ourselves that women don't run empires. White men with guns do.

3. Rosie O'Donnell. I realize that it could be dangerous to slap her, given that it might give her some accidental media attention, and let's face it: none of us like looking at her. I reserve the right to personally slap Rosie, but I'm willing to sell this right to the highest bidder, because I have a feeling Donald Trump might be interested in it. He recently said that it would be "fun" to sue Rosie, and that he's thinking about it. I personally think it would be awesome if he sued her and used all of his earnings to buy the right to slap her.

2. The guy who wore the Chewbacca suit. What a jerk. We're all tired of him, and he really needs to get it in the face. I nominate Jason Statham to do the slapping, but knowing him, he may not be able to resist and might just kick him in the face through a closed door.

1. Any kid who opens his mouth while in the candy aisle or checkout lane. Normally I'd say that his parents should be the ones smacking him, but clearly they aren't up to the task since the kid hasn't learned to stop making noise yet. To really hammer the discipline home, the official slapper will be Mr. T. It goes without saying that I pity the fool that gets slapped by Mr. T. Since Mr. T is unfortunately unable to slap all children due to physical limitations, we've engineered a combination teleporter and time machine for him to use. Next time you see a whiny brat pointing at the candy bars and just screaming at the top of his lungs instead of using words, Mr. T will drop out of nowhere, slap the kid in the face, and disappear. People will ask for months when little Carson got his giant hand-shaped birthmark. The bruise may not be permanent, but thankfully, the discipline is. Take a lesson from that.