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Last Update: 08.28.03

10. All of the generic powers. You know, being able to fly, super speed, super strength, invulnerability, that sort of thing. Maybe they should just make a superhero that has all of these things. They could give him a really generic name too, like "Superman" or something equally retarded.

9. Being part animal. The villains are usually the ones to get stuck with this power. They have the amazing ability to be half human/half river otter or something equally crappy. Most of the time this just leads to one of the generic powers. If you are half bird, you can fly. If you are half rhino, you are super strong. If you are half river otter, you are really hairy and you can break open mussels on your chest while floating on your back in a river (hence the name River Otter Man). Basically you get one or more of the generic powers with the added bonus of looking really ugly, and probably having stupid sound effects play when you walk.

8. Anything involving sound. So what if you can hear really really well, all somebody has to do is move faster than the speed of sound and you're toast. Oh, and you still can't do anything because all you can do is hear. Somebody just has to yell and you'll be stunned and unable to move. Worse still is being able to yell really hard. You're so annoying that your enemies don't even care if you rob a bank. Then instead of being a super hero or villain you should just join a bad nu-metal band, or become Vin Diesel. One power that would actually be worse than this, though, is the ability to be portrayed by Ben Affleck. If you're such a crappy super hero that he fits the bill, then instead of fighting crime you should probably fight to keep a steady pay check, or fight not to get run over by old ladies.

7. Breathing really hard. You know, those people that exhale and knock trees over with their amazing lung capacity. Anyone that does this should be renamed "Overweight Middle-Aged Man Man." Then they should have a heart attack and never be the focus of anything ever again.

6. Diabetes.

5. Money. Comic book writers seem to think that they can get by without giving superheroes actual powers these days. Instead of thinking of an awesome power, they just make a character rich. This gives them the ability to buy equipment to do all the ass-kicking for them. Give me a break. I admit, as kids we all liked Batman, but then again, we were young and gullible. Luckily, you can pawn off your old Batman toys to today's kids, who happen to be just as young and gullible as we were.

4. Any power that helps you save ugly people. Being a superhero isn't worth it if you can't save somebody hot. I think that's why everybody hates Wonder Woman: what's she going to do anyway? Save some squirrelly helpless guy and make out with him? How can you cheer for that?

3. Stretching. Simply put, this is the worst sex joke ever.

2. Fatness. You know, the guys that make the room shake with their incredible deadliness. Let's face it, if this were actually a power, probably more than half of the United States would be superheroes or supervillians. It's a good thing we have Cholesterolman on our side, because without him there would be no way to cause heart attacks in our arch-nemesis, Dr. Exerciso.

1. Aquaman. The creators of Aquaman had to be the dumbest people on the face of this planet. What were they thinking? His powers are that he can control sea animals and fight crime underwater. What kind of crime goes on under water anyway? I can only think of one: the filming of the movie Waterworld. One time Aquaman tried to use his powers to control a seal and it didn't work. He should stick to seahorses and River Otter Man.